I suppose you expect me to write that my whole world changed, that my perception of “who” I am shifted, that my whole life transformed. Truth of it is, I transformed my life long before I chose to become “mother”. I transformed it the moment I decided, viscerally, I was no longer wiling to be captive to abuse, addiction, drugs, self-destruction, self-loathing, self-deprivation, sacrifice, responsibility, money, consumption, drama and politics. During this continuous process of Self evolution, I chose to become a mother…not because society or my family expected me to, but because it was the journey of my Soul. …and nothing else mattered.
I feel so incredibly blessed that the Soul I get to claim as “my” son chose me and my partner as his guardians. While he is only three months young, I know he is an old soul. I can see it in the depth and sparkle of his eyes, and I can sense it in his intentional mannerisms. That baby knows what’s up–he’s been here before, and he remembers. I adore that about him. He already has his own agenda, his own persona, his own journey. The way he entered the world is evidence of that…but that is a blog post for another day, when I have integrated the content and feel empowered by the context, including the “trauma” of my own birth. This surrender to what is, is part of his gift to me…
And yet, BEing my son’s mother is one of the greatest joys I have ever experienced. Creating life from love (aka as Louise Lebrun beautifully puts it: RIG – respect, integrity and generosity of spirit) is pure magic. Nothing like the life sustaining power of nurturing him from the flow of my own body. Comforting and holding him is like embracing the entire universe in my arms. Connecting with him through his majestic eyes is like entering the galaxies of the universes where time and space become irrelevant. I rejoice in absolute delight of being present to his smiles, giggles, coos and cuddles. Watching him discover the delightful pleasures of the physical body lights me up with a feeling words can never describe. Simply put, I cherish and adore the pure Soul that he is, exactly as he is.
And so, I intend to mother him in such a way that he never forgets. This, of course, means the joy I feel is coupled with the fiercest sense of protection. There is nothing on this entire planet that can come between the impenetrable connection of my son and I. As long as I have a say, there is nothing that can make him forget he is magic. I don’t fuck with perpetrators, notions of Self-sacrifice, or homogenized thinking. I also don’t fuck with abuse or anyone justifying being nasty as a result of their unresolved “trauma”. End of the day, my favourite thing Louise Lebrun has ever said (among the countless genious expressions) is that you cannot have my children. You will NOT. Because I am here. And so long as I AM, I unapologetically claim my space and stand my ground, fearless.
As for me, I believe my son to be my most immense invitation to my BEcoming MORE of mySelf. So far, being his mother has made me increasingly less possessive and hella more compassionate. I cannot, for the life of me, understand any longer how any mother cannot intimately feel for other mothers…regardless of race, class or species. I cannot understand how any mother would stand for violations of anyone’s child. I cannot understand how any mother does not understand that a violation to one is a violation to all. While I am imperfect at everything I do, I do my best to live in alignment with who I am. So, I am still an imperfect vegan (because I care for our fellow enslaved sentient beings), I still buy my son second hand everything (because I care for our fellow enslaved humans), I still use all natural products for his personal hygiene (because I care for the environment and sustainability), and I still use cloth diapers (because I care to reduce waste). And then, there’s always more… In as much as I can, however, I put in significant effort to ensure my son, as much as possible, is not a perpetrator of violence.
Becoming a mother to my son is inviting me to continue to walk the talk when it comes to challenging my beliefs, however deeply entrenched and seemingly well justified. It is an invitation to parent consciously, from the now, leaving behind whatever historical and cultural notions of good/bad/right/wrong. In my “mothering” my son, I welcome him to lead the path to his own becoming. I am here to be a witness to his unfolding, letting go of whatever perceived expectations and outcomes. I know for certain I will face countless challenges to this, and I know, in the moment of challenge, I can take a breath knowing this is an invitation for me to evolve and become more…I hold on to no preconceived notions that no longer serve me. I model this to my son and allow him the space to choose, moment to moment, for himself, what he believes to be his truth (always in flow).
I’m sure expecting some unexpected challenges to arise! And, I welcome it all! My son is his own being, with his own ideas and perspectives of the world and himself. By the power of modeling, I intend to raise my son to know that his voice matters. It is on me, to allow him the space he requires to choose and to rediscover, time and time again, the magnificence and magic that he absolutely is.
With that, I’ll end by wishing ALL nurturers of all statuses and species a happy (belated) mother’s day!
