Releasing this blog post is my birthday gift, to me.
The following piece is a stream of consciousness writing that flowed through me as I was contemplating “why” I am participating in the CODE Model Coaching™ certification process for the second time. It isn’t because I need the piece of paper, because I already have that. Instead, it’s sole purpose is personal evolution, for it’s own sake…Writing is how I know to express myself. I choose to share this deeply personal and vulnerable piece as a means of living out loud. It’s one of my favourite, most revelational pieces to date. It is critical because in this moment, at the wise age of 35, this is what and who I experience mySelf to be…
For most of my life, I have felt viscerally the pain of the wounded. Mother earth, the feminine, the masculine, humanity, the pain of the Life Force itself. Despair and rage over the past, hopelessness and fear over the future. I spent decades blaming and externalizing responsibility. It was the fault of capitalism, of colonialism, of patriarchy, of patrilineal institutions, of men. There was always someone to blame, it was always someone else’s “doing”, and therefore it was always someone else’s responsibility.
Me? I was merely a victim in life’s way. An empath who felt too much and cared too much and could never really do anything about it. No matter how hard I tried…
This thread in the tapestry of my reality still hangs on in and makes itself evident in unexpected places and spaces. I think I’ve grocked something, and then BOOM! life happens and I realize: I know nothing. My cycle of unlearning, shedding and relearning through experience starts again.
This latter bit has been the tricky part. The illusions of this world feel so real, even when I know they are categorically not. But in the right moment, in the right mindset, under the right circumstances in life, I forget mySelf and illuminate the illusion. I’ve discovered that this isn’t bad or wrong, those are labels of the intellect. It is, however, a distraction. An illusion that keeps me from noticing and embracing my Truth.
My Truth is critical here. Because throughout this journey, it has become evident that truth and reality, just as beauty, are in the eye of the beholder. I see through my own perceptual filters the colours of the world, not what is “objectively” there. What is that, anyway, objectivity? How can objectivity exist in an inherently subjective mind? I don’t know that there is an answer, I just wonder.
Wonder. A state of curiosity. That’s what I’m discovering now. I’ve been in that state to discover, and yet there are layers and layers, infinitely. As I engage with others more layers become evident. I am so skilled at the story, so skilled at contextualizing experience… and yet, what I’m discovering now is that experience belongs to the individual living it. Discovery is becoming renewed … its meaning is becoming rediscovered as I engage in CODE Model Coaching™ conversations with others.
What is coaching? All the nominalizations I have attached to it up to and including now are disintegrating and reforming into something else. I don’t know what that is, exactly, but I am in the journey of discovering…that I AM the One who shapes the meaning of the experience I am experiencing. I AM the One who experiences and I AM the One who directs. My creations flow from that deep inner knowing. I AM the experience itself (even when I forget … What is a human being? ).
Being despondent from sickness of spirit is no longer my path, neither is grief for humanity’s loss of our way. Not because I have permission from another, but because I choose it so. My I AM is not here to be perpetually ill: She is here to LIVE! Fully! Now! I am here to bring the fullness of my being into every walk of life, every creation, every experience, every moment. I am here to become the fullness of my being.
I have hid from mySelf in the darkness of mySelf and discovered that I am safe here. If I embrace rather than brace, I am exactly where I choose to be to see clearly through the dark with senses other than my physical eyes. I have discovered that from darkness is born light.
My blood knows this. My bones know this. Everything, including our universe, is born from the dark. Who’s the bearer of the dark? Who’s the birther of all births? The crucible to all spears?
I don’t know…
Yet, I AM.
Layer after layer I unveil, decloak, shed … layer after layer I discover, I embrace, I integrate… infinitely. Somehow, in darkness, I have found safety, peace, nothingness. In darkness, I am re-discovering my true and essential Self. The fog, although often still present, dissipates as quickly as it comes…the difference is, I am no longer afraid of it. I might be illusioned by it, yet I persistently steer through it and discover the next layer of my own evolution.
I’m so aware of how easy it is to be seduced by the “dark forces” directing our collective energy on this planet. It is easy to be seduced by the blindness of ignorance, the paralyzation of perceived powerlessness, the energy of feeding the part of our existence that thinks (therefore thinks it knows).
I’m so aware that in order to see through the cultural illusions of our conditioning, we need to choose the path of personal evolution in each and every moment. Otherwise, we will put on our blinders and … keep on marching to the beat of another’s drummer.
And I was never born to that. My soul dances freestyle! A gypsie that belongs to herSelf.
The world I found on this physical realm has felt too constricting. Now I know …the density of matter is heavy and slow and magnetic. It readily pulls us into the illusion. And it is my responsibility to awaken to what else? Over and over and over…And after awakening, owning the truth of my experience so that I may come to act on it congruently.
Plateauing is not an option (at least not for long…). Life is precious. Life is grand. Life is majestic. Life is illuminating.
After all these years immersed in my own Self-discovery and personal evolution, I have come to discover that wisdom is not something I can learn in a book. Wisdom is the function of living. It is cultivated through experience. No matter how much I learn through my intellect, unless and until I am able to live it, I will never know it as real…I will only be able to tell someone else’s story…and no matter how eloquently and convincingly I can tell that version of the story, it isn’t mine. And I’m here to LIVE my own experience…as fully and as embodied as is available to me in any given moment.
I’m discovering that there is nothing to fear in darkness. Darkness births. It is the womb of the unknown. It is the crucible of the unknowable. It is the womb of everything there ever was and ever could be… and no-thing. It is the crucible of discovery. It is the place of illumination through something unnamable, beyond our senses yet only experienced through our senses (and surprise surprise, there are more than five!).
Embracing darkness is a wise gift I can only give to myself. Embracing darkness is surrendering the known to the unknown. Embracing darkness is becoming whole.
It used to be the place I’d go hide in, yet now I’ve discovered it’s the most illuminating space. It is eternally warm and deathly silent, yet the sound of Life flow is always present.
What would my life feel like if I rested comfortably in this space?
How else would I engage in my creations?
What would I find if I searched for no-thing-ness? If I engaged in the moment I am in, deeply rooted in the dark, fecund space of my own Being, multi directionally rooted in The All?
Just writing this brings me to tears.
There is a knowing that has been awakened, and I don’t know what the knowing is. I just feel its presence inside my body, occupying space where I live.
There is nowhere to hide, no need to hide, and now increasingly more…no desire to hide. I seek, and I find. The darkness reveals. Infinitely. My only “goal”: stay deeply, profoundly, intentionally curious. It is only from that space of divine curiosity that I not only discover or create, but live. I need not always have something to say. I simply be, and discover from the moment I am in.
I think of my physical womb as a metaphor. Right now, for the first time in my life perhaps, I have given it full, unedited, unapologetic permission to bleed. To let the Life Force in the form of burgundy, life-sustaining blood to flow as a metaphor for letting go. Releasing. I choose to hold on to nothing that no longer serves me. I choose to become One with The All, the no-thing-ness of the darkness that births all creation. I choose to open up fully and ceremoniously give my physical blood to the earth. I choose to remain open and receptive to all the energies that I hold inside of me.
As I type that, I am acutely aware of the role (for lack of a better word right now) of those I engage with in CODE Model Coaching™ experiences in my own evolution. The more I engage, the more I seek, the more I discover, the more I find.
The more I become.
So, I know I’ll keep playing until rest is the only thing that calls me. And for now, what calls me is mindful creation and evolution. Becoming and creating rather than reacting and bracing against. The Crone in me is awakening in this almost-thirty-five-year-old body. I can feel her powerful Presence and she is a Force to be reckoned with! It’s no wonder I have always known her, but sheepishly kept her at bay. I have looked her in the eyes, though, and she does not look away. She knows. She knows. Differently than I have known before. I can’t say I have fully integrated her inside my being yet…and the paradox is, she is always there, she has always been there. Which elements of her have I been willing to embrace?
And now, as in the perpetual always…there’s more. How else I choose to live is my choice. I am so profoundly aware that how else I choose to live emerges not from repeating that which I already know, but instead from being in the moment of the experience, discovering. There are infinitely deeper and deeper states of Being, and I am willing to discover and become them all… as much as is available to me in this lifetime! There is so much more I want to write, because I feel so deeply connected to my essence in this moment, and I am called to let it all be…
In short, I choose to engage in CODE Model Coaching™ again because I am ready to embrace the next layer of my Self-discovery, evolution and integration.
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If you would like to read about “why” I chose to become a CODE Model Coach™ instead of any other type of coach on this planet , you can do so here.
In living my life through the WEL-Systems® paradigm I have discovered the immensity of my power. By engaging this process, my Life has transformed. From the conversations I am having, to the people I befriend, to the way I interpret Life: it has all transformed. Fundamental to all this has been the transformation of my perception of what a human being is; what consciousness is; what Life is. I have no sense of any complete “answers”, and yet I notice myself continuously asking bigger and bigger questions.
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