What do you see reflected back at you, when you look at me?
Have you listened to the latest soundbite Louise LeBrun shared on her blog? If you have not, there is no time like the present. In this immensely powerful exploration that took place during the first CODE Model Coaching™ certification process I was fortunate enough to have been a part of, Louise unpacks the magic and the journey of the WEL-Systems® experiences. At one critical point, she speaks to the power of contagion that each of us is -- that is the part that influenced me to write this piece.
I AM the provocation to evolution.
Earlier this month, I co-facilitated my very first in-person retreat! Woo-hoo! Eight full days immersed in WEL-Systems® based conversations that powerfully transformed all of our lives forever. If there was a theme to our retreat, it was 'amnesia'. Somehow, all the participants of our retreat had forgotten the violence they had experienced in their early family systems. Literally forgotten.
However, their bodies never forgot. After all, the body keeps the score. The body knows exactly what happened, because it was always there. It did not detach, and it does not require a conscious awareness to remember. The body stores immense amounts of information and it speaks to us in it's own language.
This is where I come in. As it turns out, I intuitively know how to listen to (and fully trust) the language of the body. Our intellect is great at solving problems ... however, it is significantly less able to make sense of the consciously forgotten, the illogical and the paradoxical. Only the body knows how to do that. All we have to do is listen differently.
Be yourself, tell the truth.
The most empowering discovery I made about myself during this retreat is that I am a profoundly powerful presence when I AM my Self and I speak from the impulses that move in my body. When I own that and no longer question it, I am alchemy itself. I trust what moves through me, and I engage from that. Not from the content of my intellect, but from the wisdom of my body. That's the main way in which CODE Model Coaching™ is different from everything else out there!
Here's what I discovered about my own abilities during this retreat:
Because I am unafraid of hearing the worst that human kind has experienced (we're talking pedophilic rings and child rape, y'all) ...
because I have digested and metabolized so much of my own history and trauma (and, there's always more!) ...
because I am unshakable in my certainty of what I AM ...
because I fully trust my moment to lead...
I can effortlessly be in the presence of immense pain expressing itself and I do not lose mySelf to the horror of it all. Not for one nanosecond. Instead, I intuitively hold the safe space and focus my attention to the process and the context. That's where the power comes from!
Over the last five years, I have discovered and become unshakably grounded in the essence of what I AM (Darkness, revealing). Because of that, I have become a reflection to those seeking of what's possible. It's really fucking cool being the invitation and provocation for another to evolve, simply by being myself and telling the truth of my experience.
I'm not a guru. I'm not a saint. I'm not even a "coach". I'm not above anyone else. And that's exactly the point. I see myself as the Force of creation, and therefore I see YOU as that, too. I know myself to be powerful, and I know you to be that, too. Even if you have have no idea what I'm talking about--that deeper part of you that you often silence knows. That's who I'm talking to. Not your intellect. Not your problem. Not your conditioned identity. I'm talking to your essence. I'm speaking to your I AM.
That's what I believe changed the lives of these women. That's what allowed them to feel safe in exploring and delving into everything that came up. They sensed that I saw them as godForces who are not victims to their circumstances but powerful motherfucking Crone goddesses who are beginning to awaken to reclaiming their (stolen) innocence. There is tremendous power in reclamation of that which was always ours.
The only role a "coach" must play is to listen differently. Thankfully, I have been self-initiated into the domain of a true matriarchal paradigm that has taught me to listen through godForce ears. I now fully trust that I know how to listen for what is being said, but most importantly, for what's being left unsaid. I know how to delve into the pain points safely, so that women feel safe to explore, and eventually embody, the truth that lives inside their cells... a truth they've always known but were unable to reclaim for themselves.
I find this "work" absolutely riveting! I have finally allowed myself to own that I was born to work with women, in this way. I have found my calling, and I now trust it is time to live out my destiny, by choice.
After all, there is no power in the conditioned stories of the culture. There is no power in placating or playing nice.
The Undercurrent of : Too Much
I have never been someone whose presence inspired indifference. People made up their minds about me rather quickly: they either adored me, or they couldn't stand me.
As I was listening to Louise's latest soundbite on Intentional Evolution, I began to write and write about "what do you see reflected back at you, when you look at me?". My whole life, my whooooooole life, I have been a person that "triggered" others. I was perceived as too loud, too obnoxious, too curious, too confident, too proud, too annoying, too fucking much.
Too much was the undercurrent that ran the show of my life. I didn't want to irritate others, so I always tried to make myself smaller in order to fit in. I tried to be "nice", soften the tone of my voice. I tried to help out and not always say what I think out loud. The funny thing about that is (the predictable thing, from where I stand now) that it always led to me being excluded. Makes sense, right?! In my attempt to fit in, I was being unconsciously dishonest. I was trying to be who I believed they wanted me to be as opposed to being myself.
So when I did speak and say what I thought, half the time it was in an apologetic tone that was looking (desperately) for approval as opposed to simply speaking the truth of my experience unapologetically. Even when I did say what I meant nicely, many people reacted not-so-nicely. Turns out, no matter how hard I tried to dim my own light, I couldn't.
I have always been a Force of Provocation; it is in my very essence to be provocative.
What I now know differently is that I am never (and never have been) a threat to a person's essence. I have always, however, been a massive threat to their default mindset. To their puniness. To their perceived and self-imposed powerlessness. To the cultural beliefs that are concretely held in place by the internalized voices of perceived authority. To all of that, I am a profound threat, simply by existing...
I AM the antithesis to the default
I am aware that I live my life as the antithesis to the status quo. Not in opposition to it; simply in alignment to mySelf. I know myself to be immensely powerful in the creation of my life. I persistently educate myself to alternative points of view. I am profoundly committed to living by intuition. I have learned how to listen to the language of my body, and I fully trust my body to lead me toward my evolution. My life is lived in the perpetual now, with full awareness that I am at a perpetual choice point.
I teach my son to live like this, too.
I teach my clients to live like this, too.
I know something different, and I choose to honour it ...
And I know, the vast majority of people don't live like this... so I become what they might label a "negative" provocation. For example ... If you are a person who is miserably trapped in your life and you like to pretend you're powerless in it, I reflect back to you that you are lying to yourself. If you are a person who wants to continue pretending you're stuck tolerating the intolerable, I reflect back to you that only your beliefs are limiting you. If you are a person who is thoroughly committed to capitulating your truth to algorithms and authority figures, I reflect back to you that YOU are the only one who can ever truly know yourself. You see, when my existence reflects back to you that the highest order truth is that one which courses through your very veins (though you may not yet know how to listen to it), being around me is, you guessed it, profoundly fucking irritating.
There was a time, not too long ago, where I cared deeply about why don't they like me?! The gift that has been revealed to me (because I stayed in the path and owned my own irritations, annoyances, fears, pain) is that I have become increasingly indifferent to what others think of me. It doesn't matter if it's family or friends or foes. I have simply owned that what they think of me is none of my business (and what I think of them, of course, is none of theirs). There's a freedom to living this way, which has opened up the path for me to fully 100% own my own magic ... my own majesty ... my own essence.
How I feel about myself is no longer dictated by what people see reflected back to them when they look at me. That makes me a profoundly powerful agent of change because I know the people who want desperately to evolve into their truest Selves will be enthralled to me. They will be attracted to the vibration of truth that I unapologetically AM. To those people, my presence reflects back to them what's possible. Despite my long history with violence, domestic abuse, political instability, war, rape, addiction, covid mandates, climate collapse, trauma, traumatic birth, etc...I live a joy-full life.
Some people will love me, and some people will be repelled by me. I am comfortable with any and all of it, because I know and trust mySelf. I know and trust my Truth. I know and trust why I'm here. I know and trust my divine purpose. I know and trust my path. I know and trust the process.
I mindfully choose my destiny.
Coming up
Unapologetically Unfuckwithable
A year long experience for women seeking empower themselves and each other while building a wealthy community of unapologetically unfuckwithable cultural crones, aka Wise Women, no matter your chronological age.
This is a WEL-Systems® based conversation. It is not a coach talking to you, it is a group of women talking differently. My role is to ask you the questions you might be unwilling to ask yourself.
Details of the experience:
12 monthly WEL-Systems® based conversations
held over Zoom
The container for this experience is intimate and small, so there will be a maximum of six women participants.
The Cost for this experience is: $2200 one time payment OR contact me for payment plans
The cost covers: monthly educational and explorative calls, meditations, weekly email journal explorations, Mighty Network community for sharing, personal emails, educational content intended to spark and engage you.
PS - I have decided to add an in-person gatherings to the experience! (Ottawa area)