Uprooted Refugee: Settling My Roots
In one of the daily exercises of the 365 day experience I have chosen to partake for myself called "Becoming Gaia" we were sent the following poem by one of my favourite poets:
We were asked to explore our own roots. This is what poured out of my fingers. I hadn't planned it this way, and...here it goes!
***
This is a profoundly powerful experience for me. I've had to take several deep breaths in order to consider the massiveness of the question...
The internal identity status of "refugee" has not left my body. With that label comes a disconnect from my own roots, because there is no land to really take hold of the roots. It's almost as if I start to root somewhere and before I have a chance to really take hold of the land below me, I become uprooted. Always moving on someone else's command. Safety always in question.
I suppose this is what it feels like to be a refugee.
Be.
I AM.
One of the most powerful statements there are.
I am a refugee.
And, I AM so much more. I am a ferocious force of creation. I AM the planet and its inhabitants. I AM the Life Force. I AM the whole, the void, the field of infinite possibility.
I am uprooted.
And, I AM growing my roots.
It really wasn't until I bought (rented aka mortgaged from the bank) a house with my husband that I felt a sense of settling down, of belonging to a land. I felt, finally, I can trust to let my roots take hold on this land...it has space for me.
*This brings a wave of tears to my eyes. I know, most refugees can not say that about themselves. Most are seeking to establish roots for their children, and move on. Most are seeking to return to the land they know and call "home". Most are unable to take root, because they have become much too afraid to try and let down their roots. They no longer trust the Earth to provide. There is not enough room for them here. The Earth is overpopulated, and for most refugees, there is no "home". Stuck between two places, none of which they belong to. Stuck in a mindset of not-belonging. Nostalgia for the home that was driving their inability to connect to the new part of planet earth they chose to sort-of settle in. Always looking back.
Though it has taken me almost twenty years, I know differently. I know this is my home. I am an inhabitant of this entire planet. I belong here. I AM settled. I am settled because I have come to know the intimacy of getting to establish my own roots, where I choose. I am settled because I know I am a valuable being, just because I am here. I am settled because I have found a space within myself that feels mine. It takes deep trust and intimacy to root my uprooted roots into new earth, and claim that bit of land as mine (for the time that this body is alive).
No matter where I go, I know I can find sanctuary, because sanctuary is internal. It isn't about the space on Earth I occupy -- it is about integration of Self within my body and being (mind). I trust that, now. It is about living, fully, in each moment. It is about finding mySelf when I feel like hiding and escaping. It is about trusting, knowing, I AM my own sanctuary.
Home is not determined by where on the planet I live. I definitely feel nostalgia, a longing for my initial earth home, aka the magnificent land I was born into, for the mother tongue I can't get anywhere else. And, I definitely feel I belong in this "new" land, because the earth has enough to provide for every one of its inhabitants. I also recognize that this land I live on, was stolen by colonialism and continues to be subject to excessive violations by consumers of capitalism (and all it's a metaphor for).
I now have a sense that my roots have finally begun to settle. I let the earth nourish them so that I may continue to grow and mature. So that I can become integrated into the planet as a whole, unique, essential part of it. I still feel "part of". Intellectually I know I am Gaia. Viscerally, I am just beginning to get a sense of what it means to be deeply rooted without fear of someone/something uprooting me when I'm not ready.
I deeply trust that Gaia is abundant. She is patient, tolerant, giving. She is welcoming of all her inhabitants. She does not demand we stay in enclosed borders (as a metaphor for life). She provides. She gives life.
I am looking forward to the moment I will viscerally feel my roots so deep that they encompass the whole of the earth, surrounding her, embracing her, nourishing her. The relationship powerfully symbiotic. I am looking forward to the moment I will viscerally feel the interconnectivity of being Gaia (not part of, but the whole). In a holographic universe, I know this to be true. In my own life, I'm waiting for the tight grip of my intellect to let go. I am waiting to give myself permission to just become the whole.
For now, I trust the process to unfold exactly as it should. I trust that I am where I need to be, while continuously letting go. I trust that my roots are strong, determined.
And, I trust that Gaia provides abundantly. So, I continue to live the Life I create and expand infinitely inwardly. That is my sanctuary. That is where I establish the deepest roots. That is where I AM "me".