On Boundaries: How differentiation leads to clarity.
In a recent conversation about boundaries, 22 women and I explored this notion of differentiation and how it leads to clarity.
No, it's not a sexy topic, and it isn't dramatic. But, it is imperative to us living a meaningful life.
Prefer to listen? Here’s the podcast episode for ya!
This notion of differentiation is such a hard topic to unpack, because most of us who consider ourselves caretakers believe that IF we dared to individuate and differentiate from the pack, we would be abandoned (not liked, left out, etc).
So we learn well how to live enmeshed in that "mixing bowl" ... so long as we stay confused and second-guessing, we don't have to choose (and therefore potentially disappoint).
Fear running the show of our lives...
The problem with that? Well, self-betrayal ... That’s the only outcome of enmeshment (aka lack of boundaries).
And the body responds ... the body always responds as a means to get us to pay attention. That's what CODE Model Coaching™ is all about — decoding the messages of the body so we integrate the Truth (of our own experience).
So often women are taught to distract themselves by pushing things away and keep carrying on ... but the pain "beneath the surface" as one participant said, keeps lingering.
And the distractions become a way of life. No wonder we end up confused about certainty!
Enter focusing outside of our selves for validation ... if I don't know who I am, maybe YOU can tell me who you think I should be. Unattainable though it might be, we try.
So many of us spend our lives trying to prove ourselves (usually to a parent). We fight ourselves to become who we think we should be, OR to become our own Selves. Yet how often is THAT validated? Never mind cherished ... so we push. Try harder. Try differently. Try again.
It's exhausting. And debilitating.
If that's you and you are looking for clarity, then consider the significance of differentiation in your life -- in other words, consider where "you" end and "another" begins.
That's a boundary.
Clarity comes from living boundaried.
As it turns out, there is no gift more profound than clarity.
People are starving for authentic and meaningful connections ... the problem is, more often than not, they want to force another to change before they take a chance themselves ... that’s a heck of a double-bind, considering those of us who choose to live this way know how freaking HARD it is. It’s hard work to intentionally choose a process that propels our personal transformation!
The truth is that who we have been is not who we are capable of becoming — and who we are capable of becoming is not determined by who we have been.
Welcome, to the world of WEL-Systems, where you can choose to prioritize your wellbeing first (anyone remember that you put your oxygen mask first?!) THEN you give from a place of deep caring, congruency, and cup-always-full!
A state women who live a boundary-less existence have a hard time even imaging possible...
Here's what I know for sure: it takes audacity to claim something other-than the status quo ... to notice that you are powerful when you are courageous, and it always (always!) pays off ...
THE QUIZ
Curious about your adaptation strategy growing up? I created this fun quiz to help you unpack it in 8 quick questions.
Ready to go deeper? If you want to work with me, all roads lead to these original audio files from Louise LeBrun (the founder of the WEL-Systems Institute). They help set the context for the work that we do!
