There comes a point in a person’s life where lying to themselves becomes insufferable, actually impossible. It becomes the very thing that suffocates them and leaves them roaming around lifeless, defeated, and consumed.
For some people, they prefer those who are in this comatose state, because it is easier for them to swallow, through their constricted throats, the intolerable conditions of their own lives.
As it turns out for me, I cannot not speak my Truth, regardless of who might chose to get offended.
As a young person roaming through this life, I was persistently told that I do not know what I know, hear what I hear, and see what I see. My perceptions of life were continuously diminished and dismissed, the Truth of my experience was not to be vocalized because it threatened the fragile perceptions of the Status Quo. So I learned early on that I had to say was of little value.
Consequently, I spent years trying to force my voice to be heard by yelling, screaming, fussing, fighting, bursting…yet, somehow, my voice would consistently fall on deaf ears, further dismissed and painfully silenced. It’s like the louder I tried to get validation, the less I was heard. I learned quickly how to walk on eggshells and how to betray my truth and my integrity for those who would rather die than admit a wrong.
Collusion became a way of life, and so to this very day, all the physical components in my throat chakra are screaming for my attention. It turns out, despite the inappropriate screaming, I have silenced myself for much too long. I have drowned what I intuitively know to be true for me to play nice for those who chose to deny themselves their truth. And for that, I am paying the price.
“The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live.” – Normal Cousins
In this moment, though, there has been a massive shift inside of me: I have decided that playing nice, however subconsciously, ends right here and right now. I am no longer willing to make myself captive to other people’s stories and diminished half-truths. I am no longer willing to hide the truth of my existence so that others’ don’t feel exposed. I am no longer willing to silence my voice so that others’ flimsy stories are not shook up. I am no longer willing to make myself small so that others perceive themselves as comparatively big. I am no longer wiling to silence myself so that I do not rock the unsteady, drowning boat. I am no longer willing to regress my progress so that others can find a false sense of validation in continuing to live lives that they know no longer serve them.
I am no longer willing to preserve the bullshit Status Quo.
Importantly, I am no longer willing to betray mySelf.
I know what I know. And what I know is that I am inviting into my holodeck people who are willing to stay in the tough conversations despite the insecurities stirred up in them. I am inviting into my holodeck people who are willing to sit with feeling insecure when something presents for them because they trust that what is presenting is there to teach them how to become more of themselves. I am inviting into my holodeck people who are not threatened by my speaking my Truth and who instead encourage it and want to actively listen. I am inviting into my holodeck people who do not ask me to minimize myself so that they can feel bigger, but instead ask me to go even deeper and experience what else is possible. I am inviting people into my holodeck who help me step into becoming the Goddess that I know myself to be, who are proud to watch me grow, and who invite me to be MORE than I ever imagined possible.
This is the way I chose to live my life — honest to the Truth of my own experience.
“My life is my message” – Mahamatma Gandhi, and I allow it to be so…
- Art piece, “Harmonic Transformation” by Autum Skye.