This post is from an email I recently wrote to Sheila Winter Wallace and Louise LeBrun as it flew through me during my third round of a life-altering experience appropriately called “Decloaking and Living Authentically“. I point to the third round because these are not courses; they are sacred conversations that awaken dormant truths inside of us, ready to be reclaimed …owned…integrated. I participate in these intensive conversations frequently, because with every round, I discover more about mySelf. Here’s a bit about what I discovered this time.
PS- I encourage you to read this post with your body, not your intellect…because if you read to figure out what I’m saying, you’ll likely miss the point.
Something has shifted inside of me. All I’ve got to say is that I get it. I don’t know what exactly I get, but I get Decloaking. I hear Sheila speak to the process over and over and over …I hear her educating to how people think. I hear her leveraging the content to point to the process so fucking effortlessly (from where I stand). I can hear how grounded she is, how she has digested her own judgements around …whatever, and it allows her to be so very Present to what’s unfolding…so much so that she can see all sides of what’s presenting.
I notice the process, I finally get it, and it feels profoundly powerful inside myself. I don’t know what I know differently, I just know that I KNOW.
And I notice how my own internal judgments hold me hostage to a particular worldview that does not map to the intention that I hold for my own evolution and for that of consciousness on the whole.
I notice how I’ve made distinctions between types of beauty…grace … divinity, as if they’re separate from instead of sacredly interconnected. As if the light could ever be separate from the dark … as if one could possibly exist without the other.
To know one’s self, to achieve self-mastery in it’s perpetual evolution and discovery, is to stay Present to the totality of what IS. Where are my own internal blinders that keep me from seeing a bigger picture? A larger context? Where do I allow my mind to take me down the rabbit hole of convenience and habit? Where do I not even notice?! That latter one being the most dangerous … because I notice something I hold as true that makes my body vibrate a certain way and I still don’t delve into it. I continue to hold it as true …for what purpose? What’s the intelligence?
What’s the intelligence of not claiming, for myself, “high end coach”? What does that even mean? Rich…is beautiful. Gold… is powerful. Where do my own limitations come in and disempower me from actually reclaiming the truth of my experience? …and the truth of what I choose my experience to be?
Where has beauty been coupled with dangerous? Naïve? “hehe”? How does continuing to hold it as such serve me? How does it not? Is it what I choose to mindfully bring into my desired future? What must I let go of in order to integrate the truth of what it is, for me? And what about ‘ugly’, then? How much effort do I bring to each?
Today, I see the bigger picture of …something I am calling “my business”. I see myself as beauty-full. I see myself as capable. I see myself as willing. I see myself as The One. I see myself immersed in it … not as a ‘coach’, but as an educator to an alternative paradigm of being. …
The language of the body IS the language of the soul.
I look around at my space and notice how many things I no longer need. I notice what I keep around and keep moving to make ‘space’ for me to step in to my work, and it feels unnecessary. It feels like another thing that keeps me in the habit of complaining rather than taking charge of my own life. What’s the intelligence of using ‘stuff’ around me to disempower myself into stepping in to my own potential? As I look around, I know I must reclaim this space as mine to mind. Not a shared space with toys or tv, but MY workspace for mySelf. Now…how to arrange the room so it all fits in together … this is something I’ll have to actually figure out.
What does it take for me to step in as an educator? That is the question. To show up in all the places and spaces I know inside myself I must show up in. I love beautiful things … I love flowy clothes. I love make up. I love magic. I love my body. I love my art. I love words. I love truth. I love speaking to mindset / paradigm. I love being ME. Fully. Authentically. Unapologetically …in the process of reclaiming that latter bit. And it is a process. (For more on this becoming unapologetically unfuckwithable, wait for my upcoming year-long offering called “Embracing the Crone that I AM: The Art of Giving Zero Fucks“)
It is a process I deeply, deeply trust.
The question is, will I choose to show up for myself, consistently? Because I know: that’s what it takes.
This isn’t just my journey; this is for my son as a metaphor for the future.
How do I become my own best educator? My own best coach? What does it take for me to mindfully slow down and notice …my breath? The state of my body? The state of my mind?
I know I have a lot to offer, AND, I am constantly evolving. So nothing will ever be ‘perfect’. It is all a work in progress. I will sometimes say the ‘wrong’ or incomplete thing. Yup, I will…and so what?! At least I choose to show up. And then do it again. And again.
I am so fucking tired…so, thank you, Sheila. For always and consistently showing up and showing me the way. This Decloaking experience has been very different, and I could feel it from the get-go.
I AM different….somehow … more ‘refined’.
And I just know that I feel ready.
I am ready.