Demands of Intimacy

Intimacy is visceral. It is an expression of the sensory cues of the body and cannot be sourced from logic or reason.
 Louise LeBrun

This blog post is written from a recent email to my Unapologetically Unfuckwithable yearlong group. I have taken out names and personal references and turned it into a piece for your consideration.

Intimacy with ‘other’ demands intimacy with Self

or else, there can be none

We all have ideas about intimacy. For some people, being in agreement feels like intimacy (such is the nature of tribal mentality –either with us, or against us). The us-vs-them mentality seems ugly when we notice it play out “out there”, especially when we are part of the out group. Yet somehow we can’t seem to tolerate how we create the very conditions for that exclusion to thrive “out there” through living the tribal mentality “in here”.

The Crone knows: nothing in the universe exists in a vacuum…


Meanwhile, here’s what I know intimately about intimacy: I can never be more intimate with another than I have given myself permission to be with myself. In that, I must be in willing to be with my own disagreements inside myself to the point where I integrate the double binds and anchors and lies. I must choose to remain comfortable in my discomfort of not-knowing and uncertainty yet give myself permission to BE in all that IS. I must create enough space inside myself to hold all the paradoxical truths as equally real in order to integrate them. I must be willing to take sacred responsibility, inside myself, about my contribution to the external reality I am living.

If, however, I remain disconnected from my higher order Truth and choose (mindfully or not) fault-and-blame, that’s the moment that intimacy ceases to exist as a possibility. Fear and shame immediately take over and their ugly cousin, too: victimhood.

Like all things, intimacy is a choice.

It is a state of being intimate that invites and allows ourselves to be present, and in that, invites and allows another to share the revelation into our innermost depths. It is not something we plan for, nor is it a function of “hard work”, or a function of our intellect or biology or having chosen a mate or a common cause. I spent over a year in several 12 step programs and the reason I left was profound lack of intimacy. No matter how much I was willing and able to reveal my vulnerable truth authentically, I was met with blank stares and cold shoulders.

Being intimate with another requires a willing and able participant. Many people want to be intimate, yet they don’t have a clue how to be with the inner cues that feel threatening to them. So instead of staying with what’s presenting as intelligent, they shut it down and resort to historical strategies that they hope will work to revive the status quo. Such is the power of fear and shame: they collapse us in on ourselves. And then, they invite entitlement to show up. But, this is a blog post for another day.

Fear and shame do strange things to us. They spin us out of control and we are very good at finding someone to blame. The moment we do that is the moment we lose our power. Those around us need us to stay the same so that the world makes sense. They need us to engage the same old strategies so they feel we are still there (at least that version of us that they can rely on is).

If you find yourself in such a situation, I encourage you to get crystal clear on what’s important to you. So clear that anything that presents that isn’t ‘it’ you can sniff from miles away and not let it sidetrack you. I’ve had lots of experience with this, and the time has come: no more playing nice, and therefore pretending….within myself!

No matter what you choose, there are consequences to that.

and you’re the only one who can choose what consequences you can live with.

So many of us stay play nice, placate, stay ‘back’ because we buy into the illusion that if we move forward, we will leave someone else behind. It is not true. It has never been. The opposite is true. As we evolve, those we care about do too. But… we have all bought into the fear illusion and so we use “incremental” as a great excuse to not have to leap through our evolution, trusting, the process for the other is their process and does not have to be ours. I realize that my husband has been married to at least 12 women in 10 years! He has adored every single version (except the drug addict, she no less fun) and he has kept up with every single version, encouraging more. That you don’t choose evolution for yourself to appease another can only result in stagnated fire, misdirected. Not a fun way to live…

There is a different process.

Quantum TLC is a way of life. It is the recognition that I AM quantum manifesting in tissue, and my body is a brilliant quantum biological processor. The body knows. We know that, as women, otherwise we’d never be able to birth.Yet we deny the truth of it in most other aspects of our life.
Pause. Breathe. Stay with it. Invite and allow it all to move so you discover what else lives underneath. Resistance is futile.

When we resist, and it is all genius, we stop the flow of the Truth that IS and try to control it with what we already know (history and habit). Intuition led life IS living from an internally referenced point. Nothing outside of me can ever direct my life, because I AM at cause for it all. Doesn’t matter if Mercury is retrograde…

We are capable of so much more than we have given ourselves permission to allow. To me, that’s the epitome of having taken back control of our lives. The reward at the ‘end of the (infinite) tunnel’ of having taken personal and sacred responsibility and accountability for our own life, for our own creations. That’s what it takes. The Crone knows.

I can FEEL the Crone awaken and begin to reclaim her territory in so many of us! Her fire is alive and vibrant and nourishing! She is here, showing us the way of the Divine Mother, meeting us each where we are in our own life path. For that, I am so fucking grateful…

We all “make mistakes” because if not, how else would we learn and evolve? That’s the genius of our imperfections… they are perfect…if we allow them to BE otherwise, they become yet another thing to self-flagellate about. Been there, done that …moving on!

Thank you all, for being here and for being willing to play at THIS level of the game…

Questions to ponder

How easy is it for you to be vulnerable with yourself, trusting that what shows up is the gateway to your evolution?

How willing are you to become larger than your problem so you notice the pattern playing out? How willing are you to own your role in having created that scenario?

How able are you to expand beyond your perceived limitations and notice that there is an alternative — are you looking?

What does Quantum TLC mean to you?

Where to next?

Depending on the intensity of your hunger, you have several options to engage.

1. This is a free Journey of Reflection guide I created with information on how to pattern interrupt your habits, followed by 10 days of questions to help you notice how you hold yourself hostage to your habits. As you write and discover about yourself, know that you are not alone: I am available for free email coaching throughout the ten day journey to help you contextualize what you’re discovering.

2. Join me and a small group of women for Igniting Your Potential, a monthly women gathering experience where we show up and share the truth of our experience. My job, as a CODE Model Coach, is to being to help you connect with your body as I teach you how to interpret your problems though a different, empowered lens.

3. If you’re curious about how other CODE Model Coaches engage with you through the same paradigm, I invite you to consider joining Sheila Winter Wallace’s monthly Conversations That Heal.

4. For those who are really hungry and uncertainly ready to dive right in to discovering how else they might choose to live, I invite you to join me and a small group of women for the Signature introductory WEL-Systems® intensive: Decloaking and Living Authentically this August.

5. And for the women (especially mothers) who are ready to empower themselves through a yearlong adventure on becoming Unapologetically Unfuckwithable, next yearlong starts this May. So might as well talk to me now … 

6. Curious about Quantum TLC? You can read this life-affirming book, or you can listen to these life-transforming audio files.

As you read, engage the links, consider, ponder … what peeked your curiosity? 

I’m always but an email away…

Are your habits hurting you?

If so, you are the only one who can pattern-interrupt what's not working for you and discover how else to engage your moment.



How wonderful you chose this for yourself! Now all that's left is to enjoy the process of self-discovery!